Letter of complaint
(yet another five minute writing exercise, not at all a real letter)
Dear sir or madam:
I occurs to me that perhaps your store is in desperate need of a reorganization.
Not a shuffling about of employees; no, instead I think you seriously need to consider exactly why your items are where they are, and whether they couldn’t perhaps be put somewhere else. Perhaps somewhere that makes sense.
I suppose that may be a radical concept. Perhaps there’s some secret law of product placement, known only to the upper echelon of supermarket managerial staff, that can somehow maximize product sales by placing them in the exact opposite place a patron would expect. One might think that, being dairy products, it would follow that when milk and cheese are next to each other, that yogurt would also be next in line. And then eggs, perhaps. Not so, you say! I’ll give you that they are all in the same general quadrant of the store, taken quite broadly, in that they are all in the very back of the store, but I suspect that this is more for economical reasons, as it would require multiple refrigeration sections to store the eggs in the optimal area, likely between bread, avocados and children’s cereals with ‘O’ in the title.
Instead, you must be content with having the dairy items scattered willy nilly along the refrigerated section. I have put much thought — much more than I should have, I know — into trying to discern exactly what the overarching philosophical design is. Are your meats organized by animal, or by cut? Are eggs next to poultry because they both come from chickens? If that is the case, why is cheese so far from the ground beef, next to pork chops? Is it because the source of cheese can be any number of animals, and so you consider it a grab bag of sorts? I admit to visiting your store as infrequently as possible (my doctor has informed me that a cardiac condition makes it inadvisable to try to navigate your labyrinthian aisles), but do you perhaps change the location of your cheeses weekly in order to maximize the randomness of it all? Or is it instead some sort of astrological imperative, handed down by superintelligent beings as an experiment, your security cameras transformed into scientific observation points? Will, one day, a human skull made out of crystal appear in the middle of your snack cake display?
It should be noted that the grievances described above are but the tip of the iceberg as it relates to your establishment, but as previously noted I have a health condition that prevents me from thinking about such matters for more than a handful of minutes, lest my heart burst from my chest and throttle my brain in a futile attempt to make it all stop.
Yours, sincerely,
DRQ Conley III
